Eating: back to basics

I have a hard time making healthier choices without feeling like I'm caving to the pressure to weight-loss diet. I have a hard time turning down foods that taste exciting but don't do great things for my body without feeling the old ED voices coming up to haunt me, triggered by the slightest hint of restriction. So I've spent a lot of time living in a land of overindulgence, choosing the milkshake, the chips, the full-octane everything, resisting anything that reminded me of ways I was instructed to eat in order to lose weight. Unfortunately, that meant cutting out a lot of practices and foods that would probably help me feel better, have more energy, better digestion, etc. The diet voice was still in charge; I was reacting against it rather than living under its restrictive thumb, but it was still running the show.

I was starting to worry that "eat food, stuff you like, as much as you want" wasn't for people like me. That I was deluding myself that HAES applies to someone as far out on the 'fat' end of the bell curve as I am. But luckily for me, I have a whole heap of awesome people in my life who are generous with their time and willing to talk me off the cliff.

Talking with them, I was reminded that The Fat Nutritionist is talking to me, that HAES does apply... but when your (my) relationship with food is so broken, you may have to take some time and energy to break down what "stuff you like" and "as much as you want" really mean. (Spoiler alert: they do not mean "mostly stuff you were deprived of as a restrictive eater/dieter/child whose eating was controlled by others" and "as much as it takes to make you so full it hurts but at least you're not scared of ever being hungry again.") Edit: Oh, wait. Michelle totally calls that out here. Oh well... I got there eventually.

I was reminded to dust off my toolkit and pull out tools I have forgotten to use for a while (such as the fabulous Deb Burgard's "Every Body Part Gets a Vote"). I was reminded that it's OK to make choices that are conventionally deemed "healthy" and that making said choices doesn't make me a tool of the Dieting Industrial Complex. Yup, even if choices that may make my body healthier resemble choices one might make under the tutelage of a mother who wants desperately to protect her child from a life of fatness.

I was reminded it's OK to have full-fat dressing when I want it, but that it's also OK to dig deep and realize what I really want is a light sprinkle of oil and vinegar (hey, it could happen!) AND, more importantly, it's OK to have a salad because it tastes great and is full of yummy veggies and fiber, and go ahead and have cheese and eggs on it too because I'm NOT trying to eat low-cal or low-fat per se, just trying to have a nicer life and that means fueling my body well.

When a car isn't just a car

So a month ago I was rear-ended and my car was totaled. Luckily I am physically fine. A little sore at first but my chiropractor did a great job getting me back on track. Unfortunately, the car search has been incredibly painful as I struggle to find a car that will accommodate my fat body. I have been having dark thoughts about capitulating to mainstream medicine and looking to weight loss diets/surgery/etc.

This week, we got connected with an accessibility place that does van conversions. Not only do they have a minivan that accommodates my fat body in the driver's seat, but I'll be able to load my mobility scooter all by myself without struggle, and have a level of freedom and independence I haven't had for a couple of years!

The downside: the placement of the pedals requires my leg to be straight out from my hip, rather than lolling to the side like it usually does because of my big belly. The muscles in my inner thigh have to work pretty hard to keep my leg in this position, and after a longish (20 min?) test drive I was in a good deal of pain. Everything else about this van is better than any of the other vehicles we've tried, and after much talk and brainstorming we concluded that no other vehicle is likely to be able to fix this problem, nor is there an aftermarket modification that can be done to fix it.

Luckily, I have my resources. I consulted with dear Cinder Ernst the amazing exercise coach, and she thinks exercise can strengthen this muscle group to make the pain less over time. Friend Carole talked up the benefits of the increased independence and freedom this van will give me, and encouraged me to have faith that I can do the strengthening piece.

I go sign paperwork tonight. I'm gonna have a new minivan!

Still struggling to own this disability identity and not feel like I should "just eat less and exercise more" and undo my disability. That sh*t doesn't work - I know the research shows it - and yet the pressure is everywhere!

Trying really hard to turn away those dark weight-loss-focused thoughts and remember that my job is to eat food, stuff I like, as much as I want, and to take small steps with exercise.


So hard! When I hit a major bump in the road like this, especially one that centers around my body size, it is SO HARD to stay on target.

Medical Self-Advocacy (and no weight loss talk!)

I advocated for myself today. I have a tooth that had an inadequate root canal last May and it's causing me increasing pain. My dentist sent me to a specialist, who agreed it needs to be re-treated. At the time it wasn't causing much pain, so when we learned my insurance only covers a re-treatment every 12 months and I'd have to wait until May, I sighed, was a little bit disgusted by insurance running my health care decisions, and put a note in my calendar to call the office in April to schedule.

A couple weeks later, my tooth is really bothering me. So today I called my dentist and asked if they could help me advocate to my insurance company that the procedure really needs to happen sooner. Bad news - they were told it's every 24 months, not every 12! Good news - there is a process to appeal this. My dentist is working with the specialist dentist to have them send the required x-ray images and narrative to the insurance company. It could take up to 4 weeks to review but at least the ball is rolling.

In the meantime, ibuprofen is gonna be my best pal.

On a side note, it's really nice to be having a health issue that no one, but no one, thinks is my own fault because of my weight, nor that it could be solved by weight loss. Being treated for my specific health concern with nary a whiff of a suggestion of drastic weight loss tactics is a novel experience, and one I'd love to be able to get used to!!